Hi,
When I was at the Medical Center getting my Octreotide injection this week, I got my lab results. The nurse has my whole chart there at that time, so I can see what both doctors have written, see my labs, read my surgical reports... I can do all kinds of cool stuff while we wait 45 minutes for the medication to arrive from the pharmacy. I have the delight of using a frozen drug; so we wait until the stuff thaws out and gets mixed up. Then the pharmacy technician shows up gently shaking the tube from side-to-side until the nurse takes it from her. It's a 5cc injection given in the hip and it's good for 28 days.
Anyway, my numbers are Chromogranin A 109; Gastrin 210. Gastrin is normal 0-100 and CgA is normal 0-50; so my numbers are a little over double the normal amount.
I will see my oncologist on the 22nd of September. If I don't hear from the surgeon's office by then, I will tell him about the EUS. Before then, I will email the PAC and ask about the procedure. I don't want to tell the oncologist that the surgeon's office slipping up. I would like to call before then, but I don't remember to call from work. I'm too busy with school stuff, and by time I get home everyone at the hospital is ending their shift.
I've noticed my attitude toward having another exam done has become that it's a nuisance to go through it again. Actually, the doctors might be finding my third tumor and getting it out of there. We know there is a tumor(s). It's just that i went through this twice during the last school year, and the doctors didn't find anything. I missed two days of work which uses up my sick leave.
This is different than the first tumor in spring 2008. Now I'm not in such a big hurry to find the tumor; I've been convinced that it won't make much difference if they do. If it's in the intestine, the doctors can remove it. It it's not there, I just keep taking medication. If the tumor is in the liver, the surgeon can't do anything unless the tumor is big enough to stick a needle into it. He says it needs to be about a centimeter before he can see it. Nothing the doctors can do will save my life, so it doesn't seem such an imperative to get tests done.
I have gotten my oncologist's attitude. There's not much we can do but manage my condition for as many years as possible. Carcinoid is a weird cancer. You may be OK until the time when your particular case flairs up, and then you go right down the tubes. But then, the docs can take out a foot or two of your intestine and you're good for another year. At least you're still alive--you might not be too good, but you're still here. Some patients take 10 or 15 years to die.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
A Story About My Mom or Maybe it's About God
This memory came to mind this morning after a season of prayer. I took that as an OK to write about it.
In July I was giving myself 3 injections of Octreotide per day. (I have to do that before I have scans done.) I went into the bathroom one afternoon for my shot. As I uncovered my belly, I could see the ring of bruises around my navel. Since the shots come every 8 hours I get quite an assortment of different colors of bruises. They are usually little green and brown bruises within a day. Sometimes I don't bruise.
As I was looking at my belly, I felt my mother's cools hands covering the bruises in the right upper quadrant around my navel. A memory came rushing back.
There was a time in my childhood when I had to have shots given because of a lung infection. I had gotten the first shot previously, and Mom went with me into the room when we came back for the second shot. I remember lying on the examining table, so the nurse could inject me in the hip.
My mother saw that I had a bruise on my hip from the previous injection, and she placed her hands across the bruise. It was cool and comforting.
That was the exact same sensation I had when I went to give myself my shot that afternoon. I could feel her cool hands. It was just as she had done; she had placed the fingers of her right hand on the bruise, and laid the fingers of her left hand on top of the right hand at the opposite angle. It occupied a small space, not the area of a complete hand.
So, when I felt that coolness on my belly, I had a comforting thought that my mother had seen what was happening to me, and she cared. That, maybe in heaven, she had prayed I would have comfort in the midst of getting so many injections.
Love,
Sharon
In July I was giving myself 3 injections of Octreotide per day. (I have to do that before I have scans done.) I went into the bathroom one afternoon for my shot. As I uncovered my belly, I could see the ring of bruises around my navel. Since the shots come every 8 hours I get quite an assortment of different colors of bruises. They are usually little green and brown bruises within a day. Sometimes I don't bruise.
As I was looking at my belly, I felt my mother's cools hands covering the bruises in the right upper quadrant around my navel. A memory came rushing back.
There was a time in my childhood when I had to have shots given because of a lung infection. I had gotten the first shot previously, and Mom went with me into the room when we came back for the second shot. I remember lying on the examining table, so the nurse could inject me in the hip.
My mother saw that I had a bruise on my hip from the previous injection, and she placed her hands across the bruise. It was cool and comforting.
That was the exact same sensation I had when I went to give myself my shot that afternoon. I could feel her cool hands. It was just as she had done; she had placed the fingers of her right hand on the bruise, and laid the fingers of her left hand on top of the right hand at the opposite angle. It occupied a small space, not the area of a complete hand.
So, when I felt that coolness on my belly, I had a comforting thought that my mother had seen what was happening to me, and she cared. That, maybe in heaven, she had prayed I would have comfort in the midst of getting so many injections.
Love,
Sharon
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Update
Hi,
I've been delaying writing this for a week, waiting to get the results of my blood work from my surgeon. I haven't heard anything, yet. This is Wednesday; I was supposed to get a call on Friday.
I saw my surgeon last week on Aug. 17. I hadn't seen him for 5 months, since my last scans. He was looking at my chart and said, " When was your surgery?"
Answer, "June last year."
Doctor, "And you're on the shots?"
Me, "I'm on the LAR." ( The shot that lasts a month.)
Doctor, "These just look like random numbers."
Turns out the surgeon was looking at a list of my Chromagranin A values from the last 15 months. He was looking at the big picture. My numbers have gone up and back down three times in 15 months. Evidently, they are supposed to settle down somewhere.
The oncologist and I were fat, dumb, and happy because my CgA values had come tumbling down from 93 to 48 to 22 in the last three months. I was actually in the normal range and thought God had granted me a reprieve for at least a few months. Evidently, the surgeon isn't fooled by a couple of good numbers. He expected the numbers to stay in a narrow range.
I pointed out that the last number was 22--a totally normal number. He wasn't impressed. He told the PAC to have my blood tested that day. If the CgA wasn't low, I had to have an EUS done.
EUS means the gastro guys will look in my small intestine again to see if there's a new tumor there. I last had that done in October 2008 and March 2009. I get tired of going in and having the doctors find nothing. I feel they are looking at me like, "Why are you here again?"
My surgeon wants to find the tumor(s). My oncologist says it doesn't matter where they are, the medication still treats them. My tumors are about 1 mm, and they didn't show up in the scans again August 5th and 6th. There is nothing visible in my liver, so the doctor wants to go back to the intestine where the previous tumors were and see if there is a new tumor. If I didn't have a tumor, my Chromogranin A would stay low all the time.
So I wait. I'll call tomorrow to see if I can at least get a nurse to read me the numbers.
School started this week. After school I feel like I hurt from my head to my calves. Lots of muscles ache. It took me until Wednesday to even stop at the dry cleaners for 5 minutes and leave some ironing. The other days I just went straight home. Tonight I'm feeling pretty good. K and I took Spunky for a walk.
Love,
Sharon
I've been delaying writing this for a week, waiting to get the results of my blood work from my surgeon. I haven't heard anything, yet. This is Wednesday; I was supposed to get a call on Friday.
I saw my surgeon last week on Aug. 17. I hadn't seen him for 5 months, since my last scans. He was looking at my chart and said, " When was your surgery?"
Answer, "June last year."
Doctor, "And you're on the shots?"
Me, "I'm on the LAR." ( The shot that lasts a month.)
Doctor, "These just look like random numbers."
Turns out the surgeon was looking at a list of my Chromagranin A values from the last 15 months. He was looking at the big picture. My numbers have gone up and back down three times in 15 months. Evidently, they are supposed to settle down somewhere.
The oncologist and I were fat, dumb, and happy because my CgA values had come tumbling down from 93 to 48 to 22 in the last three months. I was actually in the normal range and thought God had granted me a reprieve for at least a few months. Evidently, the surgeon isn't fooled by a couple of good numbers. He expected the numbers to stay in a narrow range.
I pointed out that the last number was 22--a totally normal number. He wasn't impressed. He told the PAC to have my blood tested that day. If the CgA wasn't low, I had to have an EUS done.
EUS means the gastro guys will look in my small intestine again to see if there's a new tumor there. I last had that done in October 2008 and March 2009. I get tired of going in and having the doctors find nothing. I feel they are looking at me like, "Why are you here again?"
My surgeon wants to find the tumor(s). My oncologist says it doesn't matter where they are, the medication still treats them. My tumors are about 1 mm, and they didn't show up in the scans again August 5th and 6th. There is nothing visible in my liver, so the doctor wants to go back to the intestine where the previous tumors were and see if there is a new tumor. If I didn't have a tumor, my Chromogranin A would stay low all the time.
So I wait. I'll call tomorrow to see if I can at least get a nurse to read me the numbers.
School started this week. After school I feel like I hurt from my head to my calves. Lots of muscles ache. It took me until Wednesday to even stop at the dry cleaners for 5 minutes and leave some ironing. The other days I just went straight home. Tonight I'm feeling pretty good. K and I took Spunky for a walk.
Love,
Sharon
Friday, August 7, 2009
Update 8/7/09
I had all my medical work done this week. I had scans done from head to knee in nuclear medicine.
Then the radiologist did a neck thru butt spect of my body. That is the area where carcinoid tumors are more likely to show. A spect goes around you and creates a 3-D picture. The radiologists are doing fewer spects of my body--I guess they see how much my insurance is willing to pay and have toned things down. This time there was 1 spect done 24 hours after i was injected with radioactive Octreotide; usually one is done at 4 hours, also. Plus, the technician did a 300 degree view, instead of 360 degrees. I suppose that is enough to show the doctor what he needs to know. Usually nothing shows up in the spects to show them where my cancer is: the tumors are too small.
I also had my monthly blood drawn: cbc with differential, complete metabolic panel, gastrin, and Chromogranin A. The last two are markers for my cancer. The CgA has been going down, but the gastrin is going up.
Lastly, I got my month-long shot of Octreotide or Sandostatin. So I don't have to give myself shots every 8 hours.
Pray for me because i require so much sleep now. I thought it was just my late-night hours, but last night i slept from midnight to 7 am and was sleepy again at 10:30am. I stayed awake until 1:30pm and slept until 5 pm. I can't do that and work.
When my blood is checked, my random sugar is at 96 or 97. The blood test is usually a few hours after a meal and the number is normal. I don't think the sleepiness is diabetes or hypoglycemia. Two months ago my Doctor checked my insulin level and it was normal. Carcinoid tumors can give off insulin, glucagon, gastrin and other chemicals. The tumors are endocrine tissue.
In a week I will let you know what the doctors say.
Love,
Sharon
Then the radiologist did a neck thru butt spect of my body. That is the area where carcinoid tumors are more likely to show. A spect goes around you and creates a 3-D picture. The radiologists are doing fewer spects of my body--I guess they see how much my insurance is willing to pay and have toned things down. This time there was 1 spect done 24 hours after i was injected with radioactive Octreotide; usually one is done at 4 hours, also. Plus, the technician did a 300 degree view, instead of 360 degrees. I suppose that is enough to show the doctor what he needs to know. Usually nothing shows up in the spects to show them where my cancer is: the tumors are too small.
I also had my monthly blood drawn: cbc with differential, complete metabolic panel, gastrin, and Chromogranin A. The last two are markers for my cancer. The CgA has been going down, but the gastrin is going up.
Lastly, I got my month-long shot of Octreotide or Sandostatin. So I don't have to give myself shots every 8 hours.
Pray for me because i require so much sleep now. I thought it was just my late-night hours, but last night i slept from midnight to 7 am and was sleepy again at 10:30am. I stayed awake until 1:30pm and slept until 5 pm. I can't do that and work.
When my blood is checked, my random sugar is at 96 or 97. The blood test is usually a few hours after a meal and the number is normal. I don't think the sleepiness is diabetes or hypoglycemia. Two months ago my Doctor checked my insulin level and it was normal. Carcinoid tumors can give off insulin, glucagon, gastrin and other chemicals. The tumors are endocrine tissue.
In a week I will let you know what the doctors say.
Love,
Sharon
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Why "Live Like You were Dying" Doesn't Work
When I first heard the song by Tim McGraw about a man who found out he was dying and decided to do everything he wanted in his remaining months on Earth, I thought it was a nice song.
However, I could see one real problem: (1.) Living like you were dying would be really expensive. The man went sky diving, etc., etc. Doing all the fun things you ever wanted to do and visiting all the places you wanted to see could cost thousands of dollars. What if you didn't die soon? You would have to pay all the bills! It works out OK if you have a large life insurance policy, but you have to croak within a couple months. What if the doctors are able to extend your life?
Upon further reflection, I found another flaw in the theory. (2.) It's based on the belief that you have to see all this good stuff on Earth because it's the best stuff you're ever going to see. Wrong! Heaven has much better stuff. So there's no pressure to run around and see everything. I used to feel regret when I would see the title "Five Places to See Before You Die" on AOL, knowing I would never get to those exotic locales. Now it doesn't bother me. I know I will see much more splendid things. The only thing that bothers me is that evidently there will be no ocean in heaven. Will there be a large lake?
After running around doing things this summer because I might be ill next year, I can also tell you that living like you were dying is (3.) exhausting. If I go to the beach one day, I sleep 4 hours the next afternoon. Last night I slept from 1:00 or 2:00 am until 6:00 am; this afternoon I slept from 12 noon until 5 pm. I have to stop staying up late! My body thinks I'm supposed to have 2 sleeps: one at night and one during the day. Of course, in the song the "dying" man doesn't have those problems. He just goes everywhere he wants.
But then again, I did get to see David Crowder*Band in Monterey last Thursday. They were at the northern Spirit West Coast, not the one in Del Mar. So we went to Monterey for the first time in years and had a great time. The maid at the hotel probably wondered about us. We never left the room until after 1:00 pm. I didn't even get out of bed until 11:00, but we saw some good shows.
However, I could see one real problem: (1.) Living like you were dying would be really expensive. The man went sky diving, etc., etc. Doing all the fun things you ever wanted to do and visiting all the places you wanted to see could cost thousands of dollars. What if you didn't die soon? You would have to pay all the bills! It works out OK if you have a large life insurance policy, but you have to croak within a couple months. What if the doctors are able to extend your life?
Upon further reflection, I found another flaw in the theory. (2.) It's based on the belief that you have to see all this good stuff on Earth because it's the best stuff you're ever going to see. Wrong! Heaven has much better stuff. So there's no pressure to run around and see everything. I used to feel regret when I would see the title "Five Places to See Before You Die" on AOL, knowing I would never get to those exotic locales. Now it doesn't bother me. I know I will see much more splendid things. The only thing that bothers me is that evidently there will be no ocean in heaven. Will there be a large lake?
After running around doing things this summer because I might be ill next year, I can also tell you that living like you were dying is (3.) exhausting. If I go to the beach one day, I sleep 4 hours the next afternoon. Last night I slept from 1:00 or 2:00 am until 6:00 am; this afternoon I slept from 12 noon until 5 pm. I have to stop staying up late! My body thinks I'm supposed to have 2 sleeps: one at night and one during the day. Of course, in the song the "dying" man doesn't have those problems. He just goes everywhere he wants.
But then again, I did get to see David Crowder*Band in Monterey last Thursday. They were at the northern Spirit West Coast, not the one in Del Mar. So we went to Monterey for the first time in years and had a great time. The maid at the hotel probably wondered about us. We never left the room until after 1:00 pm. I didn't even get out of bed until 11:00, but we saw some good shows.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Update; things are great!
Hi,
Thanks for praying. I got my scan scheduled for August 4 and 5. We come back from a trip to Monterey, California the night before. I just have to be in Orange at 9:00 the next morning. Maybe I can sleep through the scan. That would be nice. I'm just afraid of waking up with my head in the tube and not knowing where I am. That would scare me and the technician. ;/
We are going to Spirit West Coast in Monterey. David Crowder*Band will be there Thursday night. They were not at the SWC in Del Mar, so we skipped Del Mar this year and will spend 5 nights in Monterey. I have a picture of Katie in Monterey when she was about 6. We will have to go to the same place and take a new picture.
I feel well, but I have to watch my limits. I went to the beach on Wednesday, but slept through Thursday afternoon. I went to Curves on Friday at 4:30 and on Sat. at 10:30. That's too close together--my legs are too tired to work out hard. Today and Sunday morning I have to rest because Sunday afternoon we are going down to the fire pits at Huntington Beach. We'll leave pretty early so I'm not exhausted.
Things are going OK.
Love,
Sharon
Thanks for praying. I got my scan scheduled for August 4 and 5. We come back from a trip to Monterey, California the night before. I just have to be in Orange at 9:00 the next morning. Maybe I can sleep through the scan. That would be nice. I'm just afraid of waking up with my head in the tube and not knowing where I am. That would scare me and the technician. ;/
We are going to Spirit West Coast in Monterey. David Crowder*Band will be there Thursday night. They were not at the SWC in Del Mar, so we skipped Del Mar this year and will spend 5 nights in Monterey. I have a picture of Katie in Monterey when she was about 6. We will have to go to the same place and take a new picture.
I feel well, but I have to watch my limits. I went to the beach on Wednesday, but slept through Thursday afternoon. I went to Curves on Friday at 4:30 and on Sat. at 10:30. That's too close together--my legs are too tired to work out hard. Today and Sunday morning I have to rest because Sunday afternoon we are going down to the fire pits at Huntington Beach. We'll leave pretty early so I'm not exhausted.
Things are going OK.
Love,
Sharon
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Update 7-14-09
Hi,
In one week I should be having a scan done to see whats my tumor is up to now.
Please pray that I get the phone call ASAP from Nuclear Medicine to schedule the scan. The appt. should have already been made. The first day it could be done is June 21. We leave on vacation June 29- August 3. If we can't get the scan done before vacation, I have to stop every 8 hours to give myself an injection while we are out of town. I did it in Montreal, but I would like to be back on the long-lasting medication soon. I do better on then.
I am having symptoms for 3 weeks of heavy sweats that start suddenly and drench the hair on the back of my head. Last Wed. morning it was 79 degrees and my hair and the back of my hands were covered with drops of sweat. I was in the car with the A/C on. My face is often flushed. That's a classic sign of carcinoid.
Sharon
In one week I should be having a scan done to see whats my tumor is up to now.
Please pray that I get the phone call ASAP from Nuclear Medicine to schedule the scan. The appt. should have already been made. The first day it could be done is June 21. We leave on vacation June 29- August 3. If we can't get the scan done before vacation, I have to stop every 8 hours to give myself an injection while we are out of town. I did it in Montreal, but I would like to be back on the long-lasting medication soon. I do better on then.
I am having symptoms for 3 weeks of heavy sweats that start suddenly and drench the hair on the back of my head. Last Wed. morning it was 79 degrees and my hair and the back of my hands were covered with drops of sweat. I was in the car with the A/C on. My face is often flushed. That's a classic sign of carcinoid.
Sharon
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Update 7-7-09
My Chromogranin A is only 48! My Chromogranin A is only 48! I don't know why, but my Chromogranin A is only 48!
7/8/09 Actually, I do have an idea why. As I wrote on May 30th, I had turned my CgA levels over to God. I laid them down in front of the altar and made myself very small. I told God I was tired of wondering where my cancer markers were going to be, and I gave them over to Him. I said, "These are Your markers. Do what You want with them." Wherever they go now is totally His will. Thank You, Father. Praise You, Father!
7/8/09 Actually, I do have an idea why. As I wrote on May 30th, I had turned my CgA levels over to God. I laid them down in front of the altar and made myself very small. I told God I was tired of wondering where my cancer markers were going to be, and I gave them over to Him. I said, "These are Your markers. Do what You want with them." Wherever they go now is totally His will. Thank You, Father. Praise You, Father!
Monday, July 6, 2009
My Testimony
I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was nine years old. I gradually let Him work in my life as a teenager and a young adult. However, I didn't surrender my life to God because I was afraid to; my faith wasn't strong enough to let go and let God take over. Also, I didn't know anyone who had done that. I just went along with what I thought would be acceptable to God and was something I could do.
For example, I went to Cal Baptist College in Riverside, California and studied biology. I knew that would be OK with my parents, it would be in keeping with my talents, and it was something I could afford to pay for. My parents would not have been so OK with me living in a coed dorm at UCLA and majoring in fine art where I would have been looking at nude models. I did what I thought was reasonable and not contrary to any Biblical teachings.
There was a popular saying at the time, "God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life." I learned how to witness to people using the tract that made that statement, but I didn't think it applied to me. I didn't really think it applied to most people. I was an ordinary person. I had no great talent; I couldn't sing or preach or lead hundreds of people to Christ. I thought God just had a wonderful plan for special people.
So I worked as a science teacher, I married, and I had a daughter. I did not realize that God was working in my life, quietly and behind the scenes. After I had been married several years, I was very disillusioned with my life. The poor quality of my marriage had much to do with it.
In 2005 I came out of my disillusionment and realized God's plan for me was wonderful. It was during the hardest time in my life; when I realized my marriage was dead and nothing was going to save it. That was more devastating than when I found out that I had cancer. I remember clutching the steering wheel of the car each day driving back and forth to school as I listened to music by delirious?, Casting Crowns, Jonah 33 or Jeremy Camp. I would pray the lyrics of their songs as I drove down the street. It was especially intense between February and May of 2005.
I remember the day that I sat in the left turn lane at Hamner and Bellegrave in Ontario, California, praying as I waited for the light to turn green.
Jesus spoke to me and he said, "I'm waiting for you."
Jesus spoke right out of the middle of the back seat. He had the sweetest, kindest voice. He was waiting for me, and when I was ready, He would be there. There was no impatience, no toe-tapping. He was just waiting for me. I was that important to Him--He would wait for me!!
That was when Jesus became the one I love best; during those very hard days when I was in a situation I never thought I was going to find myself in. I remember going to a counselor who warned me that if I continued with my counselling, I was going to get to a place where I was well and I would be dissatisfied with my marriage. It might mean the end of my marriage.
When I heard that warning in 2005, I didn't care if my marriage ended; I wanted to be well. I knew I was close to being over my emotional problems. I was getting stronger. The end was in sight and I was going to reach it. If my husband insisted on staying where he was in his misery, that was his decision.
So I decided to go ahead and participate more in church life, even if it meant going to Bible study without my husband. In June 2006 I began working with Carmen greeting people before church and becoming acquainted with women who came to church alone. Sometimes I sat next to a woman who was by herself. In 2006 I began blooming.
A person cannot be spiritually mature until they are emotionally mature. All levels of maturity go hand-in-hand: social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, etc. You cannot excel at one maturity and be immature in other areas.
Now I know that God was guiding me in my choices as I went through my early years. He guided me as much as I would let him. I know I prayed about which college to attend and which major to choose. I wasn't very adept at discerning God's voice when I was young, but I think he He put me in the place I belonged. I know I am teaching in the place He wants me to be now.
Mostly, what has happened is that I have an attitude change. I see my life as part of God's plan.
He sees this entire picture from the creation of the world until its end. We see a small part of human history. It amazes me is that God's intellect and love is so vast that he remembers to have me read a book on July 6, 2009 that may help with a situation next year and that may help my daughter lead someone to Christ when she is on the mission field.
Each one of us has a place in God's plan. We might be the boy with 2 fish and 5 loaves or we might be his mom who packed the lunch. We might be the person who caught the fish or the one who mended the net. Each one of us has a place in God's plan.
For example, I went to Cal Baptist College in Riverside, California and studied biology. I knew that would be OK with my parents, it would be in keeping with my talents, and it was something I could afford to pay for. My parents would not have been so OK with me living in a coed dorm at UCLA and majoring in fine art where I would have been looking at nude models. I did what I thought was reasonable and not contrary to any Biblical teachings.
There was a popular saying at the time, "God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life." I learned how to witness to people using the tract that made that statement, but I didn't think it applied to me. I didn't really think it applied to most people. I was an ordinary person. I had no great talent; I couldn't sing or preach or lead hundreds of people to Christ. I thought God just had a wonderful plan for special people.
So I worked as a science teacher, I married, and I had a daughter. I did not realize that God was working in my life, quietly and behind the scenes. After I had been married several years, I was very disillusioned with my life. The poor quality of my marriage had much to do with it.
In 2005 I came out of my disillusionment and realized God's plan for me was wonderful. It was during the hardest time in my life; when I realized my marriage was dead and nothing was going to save it. That was more devastating than when I found out that I had cancer. I remember clutching the steering wheel of the car each day driving back and forth to school as I listened to music by delirious?, Casting Crowns, Jonah 33 or Jeremy Camp. I would pray the lyrics of their songs as I drove down the street. It was especially intense between February and May of 2005.
I remember the day that I sat in the left turn lane at Hamner and Bellegrave in Ontario, California, praying as I waited for the light to turn green.
Jesus spoke to me and he said, "I'm waiting for you."
Jesus spoke right out of the middle of the back seat. He had the sweetest, kindest voice. He was waiting for me, and when I was ready, He would be there. There was no impatience, no toe-tapping. He was just waiting for me. I was that important to Him--He would wait for me!!
That was when Jesus became the one I love best; during those very hard days when I was in a situation I never thought I was going to find myself in. I remember going to a counselor who warned me that if I continued with my counselling, I was going to get to a place where I was well and I would be dissatisfied with my marriage. It might mean the end of my marriage.
When I heard that warning in 2005, I didn't care if my marriage ended; I wanted to be well. I knew I was close to being over my emotional problems. I was getting stronger. The end was in sight and I was going to reach it. If my husband insisted on staying where he was in his misery, that was his decision.
So I decided to go ahead and participate more in church life, even if it meant going to Bible study without my husband. In June 2006 I began working with Carmen greeting people before church and becoming acquainted with women who came to church alone. Sometimes I sat next to a woman who was by herself. In 2006 I began blooming.
A person cannot be spiritually mature until they are emotionally mature. All levels of maturity go hand-in-hand: social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, etc. You cannot excel at one maturity and be immature in other areas.
Now I know that God was guiding me in my choices as I went through my early years. He guided me as much as I would let him. I know I prayed about which college to attend and which major to choose. I wasn't very adept at discerning God's voice when I was young, but I think he He put me in the place I belonged. I know I am teaching in the place He wants me to be now.
Mostly, what has happened is that I have an attitude change. I see my life as part of God's plan.
He sees this entire picture from the creation of the world until its end. We see a small part of human history. It amazes me is that God's intellect and love is so vast that he remembers to have me read a book on July 6, 2009 that may help with a situation next year and that may help my daughter lead someone to Christ when she is on the mission field.
Each one of us has a place in God's plan. We might be the boy with 2 fish and 5 loaves or we might be his mom who packed the lunch. We might be the person who caught the fish or the one who mended the net. Each one of us has a place in God's plan.
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