My Philosophy about my Cancer

This is a tough idea to make clear. If I talk about loving Jesus so much that I am perfectly alright with going to heaven to be with Him and my children, then I sound like I want to die. If I complain about delays in getting tests or surgeries done, then I sound like I don't have faith in God's perfect timing.

However, I know that I know that God has worked this all out to be a part of His perfect will. He led me to go to in for a facial at exactly the right time for Sylvia to see I had jaundice. I got to see a doctor the soonest anyone had ever shown up with a diagnosis of carcinoid cancer. God led me to be at the right place at the right time so many times, I thought He was going to cure my cancer when the first tumor was removed. I expected Him to prove he was God by stopping the cancer right there. Why else had He brought me so quickly to a diagnosis?


I don't know why my cancer has gone on. Today, January 25, 2009, we don't even know what stage of cancer I'm in. I'm in 2nd, 3rd, or 4th stage cancer depending on where the third tumor is located. It is not in the same spot as the primary tumor, so I am definitely past first stage. If it is in my liver, then I am in fourth stage cancer.

There was a nuclear medicine scan that showed cancer in my liver: November 20, 2008. One 4-hour Octreoscan showed abnormal absorption of Indium-111 Octreotide in the dome of the liver . It did not show up in the scan after 24 hours, so my surgeon, Dr. I, thinks I may have had a false positive on the 4-hour scan. So we are going to run the scans again.

[Translation: I had a nuclear medicine scan where a radioactive compound was injected into my veins. It's called Indium-111 Octreotide. At 4 hours and 24 hours the technician scanned my body. The radiologist read the scans and said the first one showed that I had an area in the top of my liver that absorbed an abnormal amount of the radioactive stuff. The radioactive stuff is only absorbed by carcinoid tumors, so that means I had tumor(s) there. However, the scan at 24 hours did NOT show any abnormal absorption, so that means I did not have tumor(s) there. The radiologist wrote that it was possible the 24-hour scan didn't show the same area as was seen on the 4-hour scan. So we have to run them again.]


When I first found out that I had cancer, I had been sick for a couple months. The doctors searched to find out what was wrong, and I had more problems besides the tumor in my small intestine. My body began to hurt, and I began having pain in my chest when I would exercise. I remember being so scared on Thursday, January 3,2008. On Monday I had found out that I had a carcinoid tumor. I had a nuclear medicine test done Wednesday, Thursday afternoon I had several tubes of blood taken to see if I could get a definitive diagnosis of Sjogren's Syndrome, and the next day I had a stress test scheduled. I was really stressing over the stress test. I remember emailing friends to ask for prayer for my nerves and for healing. So I certainly have been frightened about my health.

However, my overriding philosophy has been that the health problems I have are God's will for me. In 2007 I wanted to be so close to God that I said I would give up my health (and other things) to be completely in His will. So when the cancer diagnosis came, I never blamed God. However,I pray for healing and so do my friends.

Although, being a biology major, I have to consider all the data. From the beginning I have considered that I might die of this. That is certainly a possibility. In fact, during the first months of having cancer, I learned more and more about heaven and felt more comfortable about going there. If you want to be with God, where else are you going to go? I will see my children there that I have never seen here on earth.

The idea that I am getting more comfortable with my death is hard for some people to understand. They say I should think positive thoughts, and when I talk about dying, I get shushed. I am being positive: I consider heaven to be the most positive place there is. People just have platitudes and attitudes toward death that they have grown up with, and it's hard for them to hear someone talk about her own death. Since I'm the one who is dying, shouldn't I get to talk about it?

Also, some people don't give me time to explain how God is going through this with me. They don't understand the benefits I'm getting by being close to God. I'm going to write some things in my journal that some people won't understand. All I know is that now I can say, "Jesus, comfort me!" and He comforts me. From my hospital bed all I could say was "Help me! Help me!", and He showed me an aerial perspective of how how close my guardian angel was to me as I lay in my bed. He was three inches away from me. I would rather be in love with Jesus than with anyone else I know.