Life is Changing

May 22, 2010


I read the book Captivating several years ago. I remember getting to a section near the end of the book and feeling my eyes fill with tears. It occurred when Stasi Eldredge wrote about a friend named Tammy. This is how it goes:

“My friend Tammy has been a leader in women’s ministry for decades. She is a gifted woman, totally sold out to God. And a few years ago, God invited her to come away with him and sit at His feet. Alone. He called her o leave her position on the church staff. He called her to quit leading her small group, her Bible study, her accountability group. He asked her to become a woman of “one thing” – to become a Mary, a woman devoted to worship. To minister to the heart of God.

Tammy chose to say “yes” to God and followed his lead into the sacred realm of his heart. Her friends thought she was nuts. The church leaders chastised her publicly for abandoning the Great Commission. She was accused and misunderstood. It hurt. But God had captured Tammy’s heart and has been capturing it ever more deeply since. She has been captivated by his beauty. And his radiant beauty shines forth from her countenance.

Tammy became a worshiper, and her life of pouring her adoring devotion onto Jesus has become a beacon and a call to countless women to do the same—to attain to the high and holy calling of ministering to the heart of God and to discover ever more the treasure of who he is.”

At the time I read this, I had never heard of ministering to the heart of God. I didn’t know God needed or wanted that. Since then I have sung two songs that mention the heart of God, but it’s not discussed in Bible study or sermons. So I emailed my pastor, and he wrote back confirming what it meant to be a person of one thing. It was a real option—not just something Stasi made up. (That's a joke.)

In the last five years, I have returned to that passage a few times and felt the same yearning each time. I would get tears in my eyes. When I read tonight, though, there were no tears. I don’t have to yearn for this anymore. I can do this now. I am going to retire from teaching middle school, so I can worship God the way I want to worship Him.

During the last three months, I have felt concern over not being able to use my gifts of healing and prophecy. They seemed to be dormant. Then recently, we have been praying for each other during our church services. I have begun to feel revived again, and I’m back at the front of the church singing, so that I can’t do anything except worship Him.

When I prayed about wanting more of Him, God told me it was my ever-more-demanding life as a schoolteacher that was keeping me from worshipping Him the way I wanted to worship Him. I can’t get down on my face and praise Him in the morning without being late to work. I don’t get enough sleep during the week to get up any earlier. And I have the weird idea the living things in my house have higher priority than paperwork. It’s time to retire.

My school district helped by proposing an Early Retirement Incentive Package and giving me medical insurance until I turn 65. The decision was easy to make, and I have been very happy with it.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every encumbrance, and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you may not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3.

I'm Making a Big Change

Hi!

Many things have changed in the last 12 days. The school district I work for offered an Early Retirement Incentive Package (ERIP). If it goes through, this would offer me more money per month after I retire. It's not a great offer. My principal said it's not a Golden Handshake; it's just something to help some of us to retire a year or two earlier. I would have to work another year to reach the amount of income that I would receive from the incentive package.

Also, my health benefits would continue for 8 years. That's not in the ERIP, that is in our Collective Bargaining Agreement. Boy, an I glad I'm a union member! If I wasn't, I could not qualify for the ERIP or the health benefits. It more than compensates for all the months I've wondered what my $93 was going for.

So, I am going to retire. God has been calling me and changing my heart since April. I would leave today. I never would have said that before. I believe this is the time He was waiting for when He told me 5 years ago, "I'm waiting for you."

I look forward to a time of rest and contemplation as I await God showing me the way I am to go. I have the advantage of having Joyce Meyer's account of how she changed from being a minister in an established church to having her own ministry. I don't plan to do what she did, but it's good to see how someone went through a similar situation.

I love these verses: Job 23:8-10.

But if I go to the east, He is not there;
if I go to the west, I do not find Him.

When He is at work in the north, I do not see Him;
when He turns to the south, I get no glimpse of Him.

But He knows that way that I take;
when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.

All the Best!
Sharon Joy

Things are OK

Hi,

I seem to be OK, but I have to be really, really careful not to raise my blood sugar. My blood test came back with a fasting sugar of 97 and a 2-hour sugar of 126. Those sugars are not diabetic, but the doctor checked something called Hemoglobin A1c. That's a new test that shows what my blood sugars were during the last 6 weeks to 3 months. My reading was 6.1, and diabetes is at 6.5. So I cannot risk raising my sugar any higher. I am continuing to get thinner.

My physical therapy was approved! When I was discouraged last month, I said I wouldn't start until June, but I got in on April 30. Thank You, Father for working that out. I have the same sweet physical therapist at Brockton physical therapy. It's going to make it hard to go to Curves twice a week, but I will try.

I saw a list of doctors in the last 10 days. The cardiologist wants a stress test done because I finally remembered to tell him how I can't climb three flights of stairs anymore. Somehow it was significant to him that I literally can't go any farther than 2.75 flights without having to stop completely. He kept asking me if I would get out of breath, and I said it was as if I run out of gas and cannot even go one more step.

My cancer symptoms are so minor that my digestion has changed. How do I put this delicately? Carcinoid is a digestive cancer, and diarrhea is a normal symptom. I'm taking Sandostatin (Octreotide) injections to counteract the tumors. Evidently, the drug is suppressing the tumors so well that I have to change my diet to to compensate. I've been eating Fiber 1 cereal for months. Now I'm eating the Fiber 1 granola bars, too. The chocolate and oat ones are my favorite. With 10 grams of sugar, they are going to become my favorite dessert.

So now cancer is the least of my symptoms. I wonder how I will be able to tell when I am healed?

I saw the Lord always before me,
Because He is always at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices,
My body also will live in hope.
Acts 2:25-26

Sharon

Carcinoid Update

On Tuesday, April 13, I went to see my oncologist for my regular check-up and I got my treatment. My cancer symptoms have been mild for several weeks, and my numbers from cancer markers have been low. I don't even seem to be red-faced very often--which used to happen several times per day. So everything looks good on the western front. I know my Dad will be glad to hear that.

Dr. Z, the oncologist, showed me the MRI results in the database. He wanted me to see how good the pictures were. They are very clear and show organ by organ what is going on in my body. They give a more accurate look at what is happening than using a CT scan. He said those scans are not as clear. Seeing the quality of the pictures reassured me that things are probably OK. In a recent blog I expressed my frustration with not being able to see my micro tumors, but maybe God is healing them, so I should just shut up.

On the fasting blood sugar for Dr. Z (drawn April 5), I was at 107. That's much better than being at 121 on January 27. I have been avoiding sugary food as much as I can.

In the morning of April 13 I had the blood test run for diabetes. The sugar levels came back as OK. However, my internist also checked for Hemoglobin A (I think that's the right letter.) It was high enough to indicate that I am at high risk for diabetes, so I'll have to do an even better job at avoiding sugar. I will have to go to Curves again. That means I will have to leave school at 3:30
like i used to, in order to have some time and energy to exercise. I don't know where the energy will come from, but I will start out slowly.

Dr. Z looked up Octreotide, which is used to treat carcinoid, and found out that it raises blood sugar. So the drug that keeps me alive, may make me sick. I will still work on preventing diabetes. Like I said last week, I don't need another condition to juggle.

My neck pain is much relieved--Thank you for praying. All thanks to our God and Father for His healing hands. Right now my lower back is doing weird things that make it hard for me to straighten up after sitting, but I know we can fix that in physical therapy.

Love,
Gardener Sharon It is a beautiful day today!

I Don't See Him Shining on My Face

On Friday evening my family went to the "Rock and Worship Road Show". The featured acts this time were Fee, Family Force Five, Francesca Battistelli, David Crowder*Band, and Mercy Me. It was a really great show. I enjoyed Fee even though I had never heard them before. All their lyrics had a great message. There were a couple opening acts - Sidewalk Prophets being one- with inspiring songs, too.

I really went to see Francesca Battistelli and David Crowder*Band. I bought a book by David about living in the mode of seeing God everywhere, and Francesca's revamped CD. She has an acoustic version of "Beautiful, Beautiful" accompanied by conga. I'll have to learn to play along.

A few months ago I wrote a blog "Although It's Pouring Down I can See You Through the Clouds (Shining on My Face)." That is a line from Francesca's song, "Beautiful, Beautiful." It's a beautiful song. The problem is that I'm not in that mode any more.

My cancer is OK, but my other ailments are thriving, and I don't see God shining down on me through the clouds right now. Not for a few weeks. The pain from the degenerative disk disease in my neck is as bad as it was before I was ever treated for it. I have been waiting a month to see the rheumatologist just so he can prescribe physical therapy again. I'll probably won't get to start therapy until June. The damp weather is helping to keep my arthritis painful. It is spreading through my right hand a little more every week making it harder to hold on to things. My right arm and my hips have arthritis pain.

I went to bed Saturday night with joint pain and woke up with the most incredible headache. It turned out to be a virus that made me very sick on Sunday. It's Tuesday now, and I'm better.

When I saw my dear internist on Thursday he was concerned about the episodes I've had with high fasting blood sugar and high blood pressure. I'm doing the two-hour blood test for diabetes right now. I had fasting blood drawn, then I came home and ate pancakes with syrup. I go back soon and have more blood drawn. My internist and I are both concerned with how I can possibly juggle two more medications, if I have diabetes and High blood pressure. He was asking me if I could stop taking one of the meds for Sjogren's Syndrome.

Lately I've been wondering if I can renege on my promise that God could take my health in order to keep me in His perfect will. I can still stay in Your will, Father, without so many illnesses. When I made that promise I saw myself fully cognitive, lying in bed praying, but not able to get up. Sunday I hurt so badly I was lying there just praying, "Father help me. Father, help me." Not a deep conversation.

However, on the way back from my first blood letting today, I listened to more of Francesca's CD. My attention was caught by lines from the second verse of her song "Time in Between"
(c. Francesca Battistelli and Clint Lagerberg )

"Don't take much for this crazy world
To rob me of my peace
And the enemy of my soul
Says You're holding out on me.


So I stand here lifting empty hands
For You to fill me up again.

But it's the time in between
That I fall down to my knees
Waiting on what You'll bring
And the things that I can't see."

So that's where I am now. My illnesses have robbed me of my peace, and the enemy says God is holding out on me. I am standing here holding up empty hands to be filled again. Well said. How can someone in her twenties be so wise?

I also listened to "Lead Me to the Cross" by Brooke Fraser-Ligerwood. On the line that says "Lead me to Your hea-ah-ah-ah -ah-ah-ah-ah-art", I pictured myself going up to Jesus and resting my head on his chest over His heart, and He put His arms around me. That helped. It is amazing how a visualization like that comforts me.

I added the video from YouTube on October 19, 2013. It amazes me that 3.5 years have gone by since I wrote this post. Things are still not so good, but I'm not so sick to my stomach this year. Now my tumor has found other bodily functions to affect, but I still love these songs. Oddly, when I watched this video today the woman sitting here on the dock looks like me.

Sharon

I am the Scourge of Crabgrass, The Defender of the Iris

By the time you get to the end of this diatribe you will find the moral is: 1. I can't fix everything, but I can fix some things. 2. We can work to make some dreams come true.

Crabgrass. Really. This began several years ago when the crabgrass crept through the fence from the yard to the east. At first it was content to stay in the planter, but it has slowly moved into the fescue on the east. A wall went up between the two yards, but the crabgrass remained.

Every year K or I would pull out crabgrass, spray it, or rake it unto some form of submission. The planter with crabgrass is also home to daffodils and jonquils in their season. At one time I had 12 irises there, but the irises lost the battle to the weeds. One huge clump of yellow iris remains, and a tiny rhizome* is making a comeback. I'll have to wait and see what color it is.

Last November I launched an all-out attack on the dreaded weed. Since the narcissus were beginning to come up, I couldn't start with Round-up and kill everything, so I used a weed spray that said it was particularly effective on crabgrass. I used it again the next month. The weeds began to die out from the weedkiller and because it was winter. So I did my first round off pulling weeds out. The planter looked better. I sprayed some isolated areas with Round-up in January and pulled out more dead weeds.

I'm writing of a planter that is 5 feet deep going back to the wall and about 10 feet long. After three months of work, the back 18 inches didn't have anything growing in the dirt, just dried remnants of old crabgrass. Areas of green weeds just remained next to clumps of daffodils and iris because they had been getting food and water there. On February 2nd, I began the first round of pre-emergent crabgrass killer on the planter and the grass. The second round was 6 weeks later, just like the directions say.

So far this has been successful! Last week on my spring break I pulled out the traces of antique weeds from the planter and replaced them with 35 gladiolus corms (bulbs to you). I also added two clumps of pale blue iris. I know iris are blooming now, and are not being planted in California at this time. However, Home Depot was still selling them, and I felt like giving it a try. (We have had lots of rain this year. It rained last night and it should rain one week later.) One of the rhizomes* was large, and I think it will live until next spring and bloom then.

The moral of this is: When I can't fix everything, I can fix some things. The day I put the winter fertilizer with the pre-emergent crabgrass killer on my lawn, I was extremely discouraged about my job. Our school has been in Program Improvement for four years, and the pressure to raise test scores is very strong. Every emphasis is to help students do better on the state tests. And the students don't care nearly as much as the teachers. That really bites. I'll have 8 students in one class who don't want to strain their brains. They want to make the teacher tell them all the answers.

Therefore, it helps to come home and takes steps that I know will work to improve my yard. That's one reason I love to garden; I always see results. I can make some things happen.

Also, one year ago I wrote in this blog about dreaming that my backyard was a bower of flowers. It was a night when I thought God was mocking me by showing me all the things I had not accomplished. When I told Richard about the dream he said we could make my dreams come true. So we have spent a year planting and refining the backyard. It should be very nice for our anniversary party to which you are invited next June 19th.
* rhizome: the root that irises grow from. I think it's technically an underground stem.

MRI Adventures

Hello,

I had an abdominal MRI done on Monday evening earlier this week. The oncologist and I decided to do an MRI because a CT scan exposes me to more radiation. An Octreoscan (the specialized test for carcinoid) requires that I stay off my medication for 3.5 days until all the scans are done. That makes my tumors grow, and I develop more symptoms. Also, these tests usually show NOTHING of my cancer. We thought an MRI would show slightly smaller growths than the CT does.

It was all to no avail. The MRI came back negative--no mass was found. I have microcarcinoids--they are about 0.7millimeters wide. The MRI might have shown a growth 0.5 cm wide. My doctor said a CT scan can detect growths about 0.7 cm wide--ten times wider than my tumors. So I'm still the woman with the invisible cancer.

I hate this. Why couldn't I have regular carcinoid cancer? At least the growths would be between 1 and 10 cm, and a doctor could see them. A surgeon could take aim at them with an embolization needle and kill them. Or at least cut off their blood supply. So my tumors remain untreatable except with drugs.

The good part is there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with my pancreas--no visible growths. So the elevated blood sugar that I had in January is probably because of my diet and heredity. Plus not being strong enough to exercise. So I'm not being invaded by a rapidly growing pancreatic neuroendocrine tumor.

I'd just like to be like other cancer patients who can look at a scan and see their cancer. I would like to know if I have two tumors in one small space, or forty tiny tumors sprinkled across my whole liver. It seems easier to understand an enemy you can see.

I do have cancer.
I know because of the symptoms that went away after surgery, and came back two months later.
I can tell every day when I look in the toilet.
I can tell by the symptoms I develop when I don't get my medication.
I can tell by the cancer markers that go up and down.
I can tell by this pain in my chest behind the right ribcage.
I can tell by my fatigue.
I do have cancer, but no one can see it.
I hate this.

It seems as if having the MRI done this week was just to show me that I can do one more thing through Him that strengthens me: I can drive myself to and from a procedure where I was enclosed inside a tube that was only five inches wider than I was for 45 minutes and remain relatively calm. (Is that a run-on sentence?) It is all done through God who strengthens me.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me or sent emails to me. Thank you to Paul , the technician, who was so calming and played my Cd for me.

While I was in the MRI tube I thought of the verses from 2 Corinthians 12 because I was certainly weak and not knowing if I would be able to stay in the MRI for more than a few minutes. I have gradually gotten over some of my claustrophobia after undergoing 4 or 5 Octreoscans where the plates are only about 4 inches from my face. I hoped that calmness would transfer over to the MRI. It seemed like a perfect opportunity for God's power to be perfected in weakness since I was pretty weak. And God did see me through.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly therefore I would rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.Therefore I am well content with weaknesses and difficulties for Christ's sake; for when I am weak then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 The Open Bible, NAS

Love,
Sharon Joy

I Really don't Know How I am, but I'll Find Out

Hello,

I haven't said much lately because I've been in a waiting mode again. Mostly of the time I've felt OK, even felt good. However, I have to have an MRI to figure out what's up with this pain I've had behind my right ribcage for a few months.

When I had the first two tumors I had a little pain behind ribs on the right side. The tumors were removed three months apart, and I had a distinct little pain with each. Each pain went away after each surgery. The only one who seemed to give it any consideration as a symptom was my internist. He just suggested that we wait and see if it would go away after the surgery, and it did.

The new pain is about 2 inches higher up the rib cage, and it's not always there. It was not there on Tuesday when I went to see my oncologist, but came back that evening when I was doing some work around the house. This time the doctor is seeing the pain as a possible symptom, and has scheduled an MRI for March 29, a Monday, at 5pm.

I don't have to take time off for the scan, but I might anyway. It's in an enclosed MRI at the UCI Med Center; they don't have a closed MRI. I'm claustrophobic. The last MRI I had done was of my back at an open MRI in Corona. That was the quietest MRI I ever had. Half the problem with the procedure is the loud noise making me feel like I am under attack. So I just might take the day off so I can spend time in prayer and do lots of stretches to get ready for lying on my back for an hour.

This month I had my oncologist's visit and my Octreotide LAR on the same day. It worked out expediently because I ordered my shot at the Infusion Center so it could be thawed out in the pharmacy. Then I saw the doctor, and came back to get the shot 45 minutes later. So I was on the 57 Freeway at 3:55. I got home at 5:10, so the timing worked out very well.

I didn't have any labs done, since I just saw the doctor three weeks ago. My blood pressure was 138/81 and 144/78 while I was there. I have been eating much less sugar for 5 weeks now, and that may have helped lower my b.p. I have to have fasting blood work done again for both the cardiologist and oncologist in two weeks, so I will see if my sugar has dropped very far.

My weight is staying between 138 and 140, so I have lost at least four of the pounds that I gained in the last year. I'm quite sure that my triglycerides will be noticeably lower; partly from the diet and partly from a higher dose of statin drug. My doctor will probably credit the drug: he has been determined to find one that would not have bad side effects. I wish I could go back on diet and exercise to lower my cholesterol again, but I don't have the strength.

I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

Love,
Sharon

Ask a Question, Get an Answer

Hello,
Last week I was wondering why I was tired when my cancer markers are so low. I think I have an answer. When I had my routine bloodwork done, my fasting blood sugar was 119. For the last few years it has always been 95-99. I don't know why it would make such a big jump in only one month, but I will be eating much less sugar this coming month.

It makes sense now (3/3/10). When I went in to have the fasting bloodwork done(Jan. 27), I was not feeling well. In fact, I had taken two days off. I didn't know what was wrong: I was very tired and didn't feel like I could teach my class. Now I know that I didn't feel well because my blood sugar was too high. At the time I thought maybe my tumors were giving off lots of chemicals. Instead the labs showed just the opposite; all my cancer numbers are great!

For a year I have been weighing 10 pounds more than usual. I guess that has put a strain on my pancreas, or else it was just a matter of time. My younger sister, mother, paternal grandmother, and grandma's brother all had diabetes; so it's on both sides of the family. Also, I bet one of my many medications can raise blood sugar. I have one that can raise blood pressure. Soon I'm going to have more than 10 medications.

At any rate, I praise God that my cancer markers are very low! My Chromogranin A is only 8.8. I must have lacked faith in Him last week when I thought my cancer can't be so suppressed, even though the numbers were. So I give Him glory! He is shrinking my tumors. As Karen D. told me, with cancer you learn not to get too excited at the good news or too down about the bad news. Right now cancer doesn't seem to be the big problem. I have to get my sugar levels down.

Two years ago, having found out about carcinoid cancer and fibromyalgia and having had Sjogren's Syndrome for 23 years, I asked God, "Are you going to give me the world's longest list of obscure diseases, with the world's mildest cases of each?" I was laughing. I would still go with the worlds' mildest case of each, but now I think the list is long enough, Father. Your grace is sufficient for me. I'm st not sure I'm sufficient for all these diseases.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 NIV

Love,
Sharon Joy